Monday, March 19, 2012

Paige's Story

She was bundled up, and all I saw was that adorable tuft of hair as she was carried upstairs.

 “Welcome to your new home” I thought. I didn’t know how much her life would impact mine, and if I had known… I wonder if I would have loved her differently, held her differently, or prayed for her differently.

I know that I would have taken more pictures. Sung more songs. Taken more walks with her around the backyard.

If I had known, I would never have left.

I was in the US, visiting relatives, when I heard that Paige’s heart had failed her. It pierced something inside of me that had never before been hurt. Because I knew Paige. For three precious months she had been my little “pixie." And I loved her. Of course I knew that she was sick, that she had a heart condition, but it never sunk in just how fragile her life was.

So Paige died, and the short life that she lived, from hindsight, looked all the more beautiful. She had been given the chance to be loved, and she soaked that up; giggles, wiggles and cuddles were apart of her life. She was just learning how to roll over, I remember, and she loved to suck her finger.

But despite the beautiful shear that being loved can envelop a life in, Paige's life can still look a whole lot like a tragedy. Only nine days in her mother's arms, and then left in a local park. Alone. Orphaned, probably because of her congenital heart disease. I wish that I could understand why.

Paige touched me. I fell in love with this little girl. I had no idea when I first started loving her that she would not live to see this day, her birthday. Knowing what I do know now, I would do it all over again.

She is in heaven now, and that part of me that had been pierced -my heart - was hurt for the better. It was hurt for the cause of the fatherless, the helpless and the hopeless.

I thought that I knew how to love, to love people and to love God, but when Paige died something happened. I was forced to the decision of either turning a deaf ear to His lullabies of healing and believe the lie that He didn't care, or to love Him. I was forced to choose between a God who stood by as death stole the lives of the loved, or the God who was holding the one I loved as she took her last breath, and who then cried ten thousand more tears that I.

And when I chose to love the God who is good, He did something to my heart. Healed it? Transformed it? Whatever it was, He gave me a burden to love and fight for the broken.  

To love dangerously.

It's been the hardest, the most heartbreaking and the most fulfilling and God-filled thing that I've ever done.

So you see, loving Paige was worth it.

To be honest, celebrating Paige's life is hard. I want her to be here with me to celebrate. I want to cradle her in my arms and tell you all about how her life changed mine, and about how His love for the little ones is nothing like you could ever imagine.

But because Paige cannot be here today, I will hold and cuddle and sing and fight for and love Lydia, my angel. She has the I've-been-battling-pneumonia-my-whole-life hair cut just like Paige did. That same fair skin... and she sucks her fingers too.

Will you be a part of the miracle?

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