I sat in a Defibrillator training today and almost cried.
You see, a company donated this fantastic equipment recently, and just this week we have a pediatric cardiac nurse here volunteering, so she did a training. It was quite informative, and while I hope that I'm never ever in the position to have to shock a child's heart, I'm thankful that I at least know how to do it now.
So, what made me cry you may be wondering?
It was as she talked about a child's heart stopping. The days of fussiness... the quick heart rate... the loss of consciousness...
Of course I thought of Paige. Of how she was fussy for a week, with a fast heart-rate, until her heart ultimately stopped. And they couldn't start it again.
I started to ask myself, what if. What if we had the defibrillator that fateful Monday morning? What if she had been taken to the hospital when those subtle but serious signs of heart failure occurred. What if she was still alive and waiting for me in the playroom today?
And asking the "what if's" filled my eyes with tears. Because asking the "what if's" hurts. And it's not healthy.
Asking "why?" is natural, but what if... that's doubting; doubting God's goodness, His power and His LOVE for my Paige.
So what should I be asking? I think that the answer is simple. I should be asking, "What now."
What should I do, now that my heart's been broken from loving Paige?
What should I do, now that she's gone? How should I react? How do I heal and what does that look like?
What do I do, now that I've seen the Father's love in this way - bittersweet. Beauty from the ashes.
Asking those questions opens old hurts, and it teaches new lessons.
Paige and Liu Yi are of the past. It sounds wrong, almost dishonoring to them to say this, but their lives are over. (And yet they've just begun in a beautiful way, if you think of it...) But Lydia and Tabitha's lives are TODAY. They are the now of this moment.
Would you consider making a donation to help fund their heart surgeries; to help brighten their now? Even just $10... it can go a long way, here, and if everyone who read this today were to donate just $10 dollars.... imagine what could happen!
Thank you for dreaming and for doing the impossible with me!
p.s. I talked to the nurse who gave the presentation afterwards, and we talked about Paige's case. Because of the severity of Paige's heart defect, the defibrillator probably would not have helped, and if she had been in the hospital when her heart stopped, the only thing that could have been done would have been emergency surgery. I think that My Jesus was saving her from that painful, scary situation. Because maybe she wouldn't have made it through surgery... and that would have been even harder.